Grow ridiculous facial hair

Are you aching to stand out from the crowd and appear more intelligent than you really are? Before you go skipping off to get a foreign language tattoo or genital piercing, consider a less permanent option. Movember may be over for another year, but it’s never too late to start looking cool with a spanking new set of mutton chops or porn star moustache. Nothing makes a statement like excessive and outdated facial hair. To some, that statement may be "I'm a twat," but you can grin smugly and stoke your mo, chuckling at their obvious jealousy.

Ridiculous facial hair can serve many a function. It can make you look older, and thus more wise and profound. You can scratch it while looking to the sky to give the impression you’re in deep thought about something more significant than whether there's any visible food stuck there. It can save you a few minutes each morning by not having to shave the entire surface area. It can get you some serious action with beavers who may mistake your new look for a mate and start inadvertently humping your face. Most importantly, it’s reassuring to know that if you ever accidentally slip through a time-warp back to the 1800’s, you’re not going to be that awkward futuristic visitor everyone is weary of.

Perhaps best of all, you'll look different to everyone else. And that's the main thing.

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