Freelance [anything]

Do you have a hobby or interest in which you've become semi-competent, coupled with a job that fails to impress anyone except the cleaner in your call centre? Tell people you freelance and your actual job is really just to fund your real passion. Leave out the bits about having no aspirations or long term goals.

Making the transition from shitkicker to tortured artist can be confronting. Remember to slip it into conversation casually, using the phrase "dabble in a little freelance ..." People are just going to assume you know much more than they do about the field you're "dabbling" in.

Equally as confronting can be the decision of what to specialise in, particularly if you're one of the unfortunate souls who has no talent whatsoever. Find inspiration in your material belongings... it's all about exaggeration.

Use a digital camera? You're a freelance photographer.
Own a pencil? Freelance artist.
Know how to cut and paste mp3s? Freelance DJ.
Installed Photoshop on your laptop? Freelance graphics designer.
Sleep with lots of different people? Tell people you're a freelance promotional model.

By now you should start to see that really anything can become a source of freelance income, and while that last one may be difficult to pull off, it's certainly not impossible.

The key is to sound like you're in control, even if you are on the slippery slope of prostitution and drug use. Use phrases like "doing my own thing," "discovering myself" and "networking with lots of interesting people." Make sure to add that you've got some "really exciting things on the horizon" to give them a real sense that you've got people knocking down your door with work offers.

Above all, remember to give off the impression that you are the next big thing, and that your decision to freelance is a result of the corrupt and artistically depraved state of your field. Haplessly throwing in that you're a freelance artist without giving the impression that you're on the verge of making lots of money from it is useless. Your aim is to make people think that you've given the industry the finger, and you'll one day be respected for making it your own way.

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