Detox like a trooper

“Yo, have you heard about this great new detox diet?” one trendite mumbles ever so cooly to the other.
“The water diet?” responds his intruiged mirror image.
“Nah man, better. You don’t eat anything but lemons for thirty days, and at the end of it, you grow a massive vagina. Right on your face.” The two continue to chirp about this excitedly.

The prospect of developing female genitalia on your face is one of those things everyone wishes they could do, but is never sure how to do it. Just imagine, this could be you.

Following the food pyramid? Forget it. Exercising regularly? That’s like, so yesterday. And as for aiming to consume a balanced diet and eating at consistent times, what are you, gay or something?

Going on a detox diet is one sure-fire way to let everyone know that you’ve been partying hard. If there’s one thing we love more than self-destructive behavior, it’s when someone has become so self-destructive that they need to suck lemons for a month.
If you need reassurance, look no further than the numerous web sites plastered with “not a fad” messages and celebrity testimonials. If Ashton Kutcher can grow a face-vagina, anyone can.

The physical benefits of such extreme detox benders are almost too numerous to mention. Your lack of a decent and varied nutritional intake will mean you’ll preserve energy purely by not having any in the first place, you won’t have to lift heavy things because you simply won’t be able to, and your weight loss will rival even the most starving African child. You’ll develop a skeletal appearance, and God knows the first thing we all think of when we see a Halloween skeleton decoration is “gotta get me a piece of that.”

Best of all, people will know that you’ve screwed yourself up to the point where you need to take some extreme action to give yourself a break before you continue abusing your body with the best of them.

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